When Kids Know What to Do… But Still Can’t Do It: Understanding Executive Functioning

Have you ever found yourself saying:

“But you KNOW how to do this.”

Maybe your child knows exactly where their shoes belong—but somehow they’re still sitting in the middle of the floor.

Maybe you asked them to go upstairs, put on their shoes, grab their backpack, and meet you at the door. Ten minutes later, you find them upstairs playing with a toy they discovered somewhere along the way.

Or maybe they completed their homework independently yesterday, but today simply getting started feels like an impossible task.

It can be frustrating. Especially when you’ve seen them do the exact same thing successfully before.

But here’s something I wish more parents, caregivers, and educators understood:

Knowing how to do something and being able to access the skills needed to do it in that moment are not always the same thing.

And that’s where executive functioning comes in.

What Is Executive Functioning?

Think of executive functioning as the brain’s management system.

These are the mental processes that help us take what we know and actually do something with it.

Executive functioning skills help children:

• Get started on a task

• Remember what they were supposed to be doing

• Follow multiple steps

• Organize themselves and their belongings

• Manage their time

• Shift from one activity to another

• Control impulses

• Problem-solve when something doesn’t go as expected

• Regulate emotions

• Stay with a task long enough to finish it

  
  

These skills develop throughout childhood and adolescence—and continue developing into young adulthood.

Some children need considerably more support with them than others. Executive functioning challenges are commonly associated with ADHD, but they are not exclusive to ADHD. Children with autism spectrum disorder, learning differences, developmental differences, sensory processing challenges, anxiety, and other needs may also experience difficulty with executive functioning.

And sometimes, a child is simply still developing the skills we're expecting them to use.

“But They Did It Yesterday!”

This is one of the biggest sources of frustration I hear from adults.

“I know they can do it because they did it yesterday.”

And you may be completely right.

They can do it.

But skill performance isn't always perfectly consistent.

Think about your own functioning.

There are days when you can answer emails, make dinner, clean the kitchen, remember three appointments, finish a project, and somehow keep everyone alive.

And then there are days when you walk into a room and have absolutely no idea why you're there.

Same brain. Same person. Different capacity in that moment.

A child’s ability to access executive functioning skills can be affected by things like fatigue, hunger, sensory overload, emotional state, interest, environmental distractions, task difficulty, stress, motivation, transitions, and how many demands their brain is already managing.

So instead of only asking:

“Can they do this?”

Sometimes we need to ask:

“What is making it harder for them to do this right now?”

That tiny shift can completely change how we respond.

Working Memory: The Brain's Mental Sticky Note

Working memory allows us to briefly hold information in our minds while we use it.

Imagine telling a child:

“Go upstairs, put your shoes on, grab your backpack, fill your water bottle, and meet me by the door.”

Seems straightforward.

But that one direction actually requires the child to hold several pieces of information in their brain while moving through an environment filled with distractions.

They walk upstairs.

They see a LEGO piece.

That reminds them of the spaceship they were building yesterday.

They pick it up.

Five minutes later they're sitting on the floor building a spaceship—and you're downstairs wondering whether anyone listens to a word you say.

They may have heard you perfectly.

The information simply didn't stay available long enough for them to act on all of it.

What can help?

Make the invisible information visible.

Use visual schedules, written checklists, pictures, timers, sticky notes, or consistent locations for important belongings. Break longer directions into smaller pieces.

Instead of five instructions at once:

“First, shoes. Then come back to me.”

Reducing the working-memory demand isn't “babying” a child.

It's giving their brain a tool while that skill develops.

Task Initiation: When Starting Is the Hardest Part

Sometimes a child knows exactly what to do.

They understand the assignment.

They have the materials.

They may even genuinely want to finish.

And yet…

Nothing.

This can look like procrastination, refusal, laziness, avoidance, or “not caring.”

But getting started is actually an executive functioning skill called task initiation.

Starting requires the brain to disengage from what it's currently doing, organize what needs to happen next, tolerate the discomfort of beginning something less preferred, and initiate the first action.

That's a lot happening before the child has even answered question number one.

Try making the starting point incredibly small:

“Let's just write your name.”

Or:

“I'll do the first one with you.”

Sometimes momentum is more valuable than another reminder to just start already.

Transitions Require More Than Just “Stopping”

Picture this:

Your child is happily playing a game.

You say, “Okay! Time to turn it off. We're leaving.”

And suddenly everything falls apart.

From an adult perspective, the request may seem simple.

Stop playing → put shoes on → leave.

But transitions can require a child to:

Stop something enjoyable.

Shift their attention.

Process what's happening next.

Organize themselves.

Manage disappointment.

Remember the next steps.

And regulate their emotional response.

All at once.

That's why transition supports can be incredibly helpful.

Countdowns, visual timers, first/then language, predictable routines, and giving a child information about what comes next can reduce some of that executive-function load.

“Five more minutes, then tablet away, shoes on, and we're heading to Grandma's.”

You're not eliminating the transition.

You're helping their brain prepare for it.

Movement Doesn't Automatically Mean Inattention

This one is especially important.

A child is rocking in their chair.

Standing beside their desk.

Doodling.

Fidgeting.

Changing positions every thirty seconds.

Or somehow watching television upside down with their legs over the back of the couch because apparently that is comfortable.

Adults often interpret movement as evidence that a child isn't paying attention.

But for some children, movement actually helps support attention and regulation.

The better question isn't always:

“Are they sitting still?”

It's:

“Are they able to engage with what they're supposed to be doing?”

Those aren't the same thing.

Appropriate movement opportunities, flexible seating, fidgets, heavy work, movement breaks, and changes in positioning may help some children remain regulated enough to participate.

The goal isn't necessarily to create the stillest child in the room.

The goal is participation.

Big Feelings Can Involve Executive Functioning, Too

Wrong cup.

Game ended.

Plans changed.

Sibling touched their stuff.

And suddenly the reaction seems way bigger than the problem.

Emotional regulation involves noticing an emotional response, inhibiting an immediate reaction, shifting perspective, accessing coping strategies, and recovering.

Those are skills.

And just like handwriting, tying shoes, or riding a bike, skills develop through practice and support.

That doesn't mean every behavior is acceptable.

It also doesn't mean children should never experience frustration, disappointment, boundaries, or consequences.

It means that when a child doesn't yet have reliable access to a regulation skill, repeatedly demanding that they “calm down” doesn't necessarily teach them how.

We have to teach the skill we eventually expect them to use independently.

Support Is Not the Same as Lowering Expectations

This distinction matters—a lot.

Understanding why something is difficult does not mean eliminating every expectation.

Supporting executive functioning doesn't mean:

“Oh, they have ADHD, so they don't have to do it.”

It means asking:

What is the barrier?

And then:

What support will help this child successfully practice the skill?

Maybe the five-step direction becomes two steps.

Maybe homework starts with five minutes and gradually increases.

Maybe the visual schedule stays on the wall until the child no longer needs it.

Maybe you initially complete the first step together, then gradually reduce your help.

In occupational therapy, we're constantly thinking about that balance.

Provide enough support for success—then gradually change or reduce that support as skills and independence develop.

The end goal isn't dependence on accommodations, prompts, or adults.

The goal is helping children develop strategies that allow them to participate as independently and successfully as possible.

Before “They Won't,” Get Curious

When you're dealing with the same behavior for what feels like the thousandth time, curiosity isn't always the first emotion that shows up.

I get it.

But before assuming:

They're lazy.

They're being difficult.

They don't care.

They're choosing not to listen.

Try asking:

Do they understand what's expected?

Can they remember the steps?

Do they know how to get started?

Is the environment overwhelming?

Are they regulated enough to access the skill?

Is the task appropriately challenging?

Do they need the expectation broken into smaller pieces?

What support could I provide now that I can gradually reduce later?

Behavior gives us information.

Our job is to figure out what that information is telling us.

The Goal Is Independence

Children still need boundaries.

They still need expectations.

They still need opportunities to experience challenges, make mistakes, solve problems, and do hard things.

But “You should know how to do this” isn't a strategy.

If a child consistently struggles to access a skill, we need to look beyond whether they should be able to do it and figure out what is interfering with successful participation.

Sometimes they need a visual.

Sometimes they need movement.

Sometimes they need fewer steps.

Sometimes they need more practice.

Sometimes they need co-regulation before they can independently regulate.

And sometimes they simply need an adult to recognize that having a hard time and giving us a hard time aren't always the same thing.

Understanding the barrier doesn't mean removing the expectation.

It gives us the information we need to teach the skill, provide the right support, and ultimately build independence.

And that is always the goal. 💗